*WARNING! Excessive cussing and hard cold facts involved. Don’t read if squeamish. Note that this does not apply to girls on birth control or with irregular periods.
OKAY. So first off, guys-who-don’t-really-have-a-solid-concept-of-what-periods-are-and-think-girls-are-over-exaggerating, THIS IS FOR YOU.
A few questions to start us off. You have balls, do you not? And they hurt when they are hit, yes?
Well, girls have balls, too. No, really, only they’re not all exposed and they’re called ovaries.
Well, first off, to give you a good idea about what a period is, imagine the INNER LAYER OF YOUR BALLS IS BEING PEELED AND SCRAPED OFF AND THEN EXCRETED IN GLOBS OF NASTY JUNK THROUGH YOUR PENIS.
Then after about 4 FUCKING DAYS OF THIS it starts BUILDING BACK UP OVER THE NEXT THREE DAYS. I say building, not growing, because it’s as if a a HAMMER AND NAILS WAS BEING USED TO PUT IT BACK UP.
AND THAT DOESN’T EVEN INCLUDE THE CRAMPS. WELL, SHIT.
You’ve gotten cramps before, right? Everyone has. On their hand or leg or foot. Somewhere. So we all know they hurt like a bitch.
NOW. Remember that part about the globs of blood and lining being excreted to your penis? How do you imagine that happens? This is NOT from the same tube your pee comes from. THERE IS LITTLE TO NO GRAVITY FACILITATION. So, you know how it happens?
THE MUSCLES OF - AND AROUND - OUR OVARIES AND VAGINAL TRACT CONTRACT TO HELP IT ALONG. GEE. THANKS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? IT’S LIKE HAVING A CRAMP IN YOUR FOOT, EXCEPT THERE’S JACK SHIT YOU CAN DO TO MAKE IT GO AWAY.
You can’t just “walk it off” since there’s no way for us to move/flex/stretch those muscles on our own. That is, unless we PUNCH OURSELVES IN THE GUT. Some girls actually do that because they’re okay with it because of the SPLIT SECOND MOMENTARY RELIEF THAT IS CAUSES. THE PAIN IS THAT BAD.
AND GUESS WHAT? THIS HAPPENS 24/7 FOR A WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING WEEK AND REPEATS EVERYMONTH. FOR ABOUT FORTY FUCKING YEARS. YOU DO THE MATH.
And if you think that’s the end of it let me tell you that you have NEVER BEEN MORE WRONG.
Along with all the cramps and nasty pain and rebuilding and icky blood, we also get a shit ton of hormonal imbalance. Which is a smaller version of what causes moodswings when you’re pregnant MINUS the pregnant part. Some girls even get weird cravings.
YEP. THAT’S RIGHT. I’m not saying that gives us an excuse to kill someone or yell at you for no reason, but at least now you know we’re not just being a little bitch about it. It just happens. And we hate it as much as you do.
Did I mention that our METABOLISMS ARE THROWN OUT OF WHACK TOO? Generally, it causes bloating, increased sensitivity to light, and sometimes it even causes motherfucking HEAT FLASHES. And SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER THE HORMONAL/METABOLISM SHIT STARTS TWO DAYS BEFORE THE PERIOD AND ABOUT TWO DAYS AFTER. So we actually suffer from a period for about half a fucking month, not just a week.
Of course there’s the expenses, too. Do you KNOW how expensive pads are? It’s like the universe decided that, not only is it going to fuck our shit up, it’s going to take our money while it’s at it. Conclusion? THE UNIVERSE IS THE JAPANESE YAKUZA.
But I digress. Then we also have to deal with the trouble of keeping the fact that we’re on our period as discreet as fucking possible. We have to replace our pads frequently because NOBODY likes tampons (although if we want to swim we’ve GOT to wear one) and tampons do a piss poor job most of the time anyways.
Then, of course, to wrap it all up in a nice little bloody taco, WE HAVE TO CONTINUE OUR EVERY-DAY LIVES LIKE THIS.
See that girl running track? She is on her period
See that woman neck-deep in paperwork? On her period.
See the young girl getting on the bus? Yep. She’s on her period.
And they’re all going along as if everything was rainbows and sunshine like the tough mother-fuckers they are.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A PERIOD.
I hope, after reading this, you NEVER TELL a girl that periods are no big deal EVER AGAIN.
HAVE A FUCKING AMAZING DAY.
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Periods and How They Make Girls Tough Mother-Fuckers*
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